Implementing Therapeutic Time-Outs in Relationships



Have you ever felt like you are about to blow up? That your frustration or anger are making you say or do things that you wouldn’t usually say or do? Have you found yourself going deaf while your partner is speaking because you are so furious that you can’t compute? If you answered yes to any or all, welcome to the club…the Human club that is!

We all come to a point in our lives that no matter how much we try, we feel like we are losing it. That the techniques we practiced in the therapy office are not working today at home.  This is expected in all interpersonal interactions, specifically in our couple-type relationships.  Today, we are going to discuss the concept of “Therapeutic Time-Out” in the context of relationships.

 As you may already be cringing, let us clarify, that “Therapeutic Time-Outs” are not negative. You are not being punished. They are not the typical time-out that children used to get.  A “Therapeutic Time-Out” is a moment of self-awareness. A moment when you realize that you are reaching the breaking point, and before the entire Hoover Dam comes pouring out, you decide to invoke a “Therapeutic Time-Out”.

These are two basic steps to identify when to invoke a Therapeutic Time-Out:

1.     Be aware of how your body is responding to the conversation. Are you tensing up shoulders? Do you feel a knot in your stomach? Is your body temperature rising? Do you feel like your throat is burning?  If these, or any other physical tell-tales start coming up, this is the best time to invoke a Therapeutic Time-Out.

2.     If your brain is not truly listening to your partner, and is already deposing a counter-argument, this is also the best time to invoke a Therapeutic Time-Out.

But how do we do this, you may ask? Great question!  We take a deep breath, we look at our partner, and in as calm of a voice as we can muster we say: “I care for you, I respect this conversation, however I’m starting to notice that my body (or my thoughts, or both!) are becoming reactive, and I am invoking the privilege of a Therapeutic Time-Out so that I can calm myself down and I can contribute to the conversation and not unravel into an argument”. Anything along those lines is acceptable.  The first few times it may feel scripted and unnatural, but the more you practice it, the more natural it will be for you to invoke the Therapeutic Time-Out.

How long should we be in a Therapeutic Time-Out and what do we do? I tend to recommend that clients take 15 minutes apart to calm down. Go to different rooms in the house, take a shower, sit outside (porch, lanai, garden), have a glass of water, or any calming activity that you enjoy. During a Therapeutic Time-Out there are some activities that are counter-productive, and you should avoid as much as possible:

1.     Please do not infringe on the space that your partner has chosen to spend these 15 minutes. Please do not knock at the door or continue speaking while your partner is trying to calm emotions and reactivity. Please do not slam doors or huff and puff around the home. Do respect the space and chose your location wisely so that it is also respected. If possible, avoid the kitchen, as either of you may want a glass of water (avoid alcohol at this time). And if you only have one bathroom, and you both want to take showers, flip a coin and follow whatever the coin says.

2.     Please do not scroll on the phone and/or make phone calls/answer emails, as this time is for self-reflection and becoming more aware of why you are triggered and how to find a space of calmness. What you can do is journal/write down what your thoughts are at that moment, you can also listen to soft relaxation music or listen to a short, guided meditation.

3.     Please do not leave the house/property and/or get in a car and drive away.  The gesture of leaving the home is equivalent to the feeling of abandoning the relationship. In addition, if something were to happen because you are driving under the influence of anger, think about what would have been the last words spoken between the two of you…would you want that to be the legacy left behind? Most of us would not want that, maybe you wouldn’t either.

After 15 minutes you both come back to where you were having the conversation and you check with each other to make sure you are both ready for a healthy, respectful and hopefully productive conversation. If one of you is still feeling strongly, you are encouraged to take a second Therapeutic Time-Out.  Two Therapeutic Time-Outs back-to-back tend to do the trick.  You should not exceed 3 Therapeutic Time-Outs, as it will elicit the feeling of either wanting to avoid or wanting to ignore the issue at hand. You can always restart the conversation and if later on you need another Therapeutic Time-Out, you may invoke it, for either the full 15 minutes, or a shorter amount of time.

The goal of the Therapeutic Time-Out is to be able to have differences of opinion without it devolving into an end of world argument. It is to listen and be listened with the knowledge that you will take as many Therapeutic Time-Outs during the conversation in order to find a middle ground, a space of understanding, or at least agree to disagree.  If it is late at night, and one or both of you need to get up early in the morning, it is acceptable to let the partner know the following: “This conversation is important to me, and I understand that I/we need to get up early. I commit to making time for it tomorrow at XYZ time, what are your thoughts on pressing pause for tonight?  I may seem a bit out of sorts now, however, I care for you and this conversation/discussion does not diminish that”.

I have seen Therapeutic Time-Outs in action, both in my life and in the hundreds of clients’ lives that have stepped through our doors.  Share this information with your significant other and give it a try at home to see how healing it can feel and how powerful it can be! 

If you are interested in learning more about how Therapeutic Time-Outs can help improve your communication and your relationship, feel free to give us a call at 813.434.3639 to schedule your appointment. Let us, at Harper Therapy, be your home for Hope, Growth and Healing!